Sunday, November 01, 2009
time has gone by
It's now 2009, November 1st to be exact.
So much has happened, I don't even know where to start.
My heart and soul are hurting like never before. I am stuck in a place of what feels to be hell.
My weakness is that I see the gate to death way too easy, I don't wish to feel any of this anymore. I don't want to hurt, to feel at all. to ever know the feeling and depth of love. I can't take it anymore. The fear I had before has gone, funny that but it has. Iam an open book at this point and real so raw.
God/Goddess, please I beg someone out there hear my deep cries for a hand to maybe hold or even to slap me and tell me to wake the fuck up.
The sad part about this is that I know I am strong that I have a gift and that as far as love, I have so much to offer and have so much togive, I am just a hurt little kid trying to grow up in this crazy fucking world. Really I mean what is it all about? All of it.
all over the place, just the starters, try hanging out in my mind for an hour, I am so tired. Die. Back to that point. please. Someone take me,
Posted by kiwi baby ::
11:33 PM ::
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Friday, September 29, 2006
SUMMER IN ALASKA
Summer in Alaska was a renewal of life.
I found myself again.
thankful can't even begin to describe what I feel.
I've leant so much as to what love can be and who can teach it
leant to laugh again
leant to smile
to touch without want
to care without want
to cry for hours and be alone
to be
I found my heart again and it's okay to share
found my walls of fear and tore them down
feeling it all
scary yes but oh so worth it
realized I am blessed
loved and loving
found a God within, in so many ways
and thankful everyday
I have learnt that you don't have to try so hard in life
found a reason within not so much by choice but more of purpose
Alaska, the last frontier, my saving grace. My breath of a new me.
Thank-you
Posted by kiwi baby ::
3:04 PM ::
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Monday, January 30, 2006
Posted by kiwi baby ::
3:13 PM ::
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Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Warning, Warning. get out of the city.
Leave behind anything you have built in your life
the water comes in and the wind without a care
ripping and pulling not only the trees out of the ground but people plucked out of thier saftey
help me as the last screams leaves a person hanging onto a tree limb
But I can't leave, I have no car and and am old
I have nothing but what I have here, how do I leave
all to the superdome. where millions is spent every year on a game
run people. hide
hide,. it's dark in here and I can't see or find you
the wind rips through and the sound is unbearable
the roof starts to lift, the screams of people, the fear deafens me
what you shoot at me.
you have nothing but a gun dare to try to take what is left of me, of others
the smell, the death
the hell I am in
God please save us.
Days pass and even though it may only be a few to the world. in here it has been forever
They open the doors, we have children, elders and young. we walk outside. the heat
it's hard to breath
I can't breath , I don't want to
News reporters ask us stupid questions, I don't care
just help us.
A bus ride to where, Now what
what is there to do but breath and try to breath.
They have lived thru hell and only through televison can I imagine the hell those people have endured.
Posted by kiwi baby ::
11:23 PM ::
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The day is Tuesday, after watching tele tonight I found my self start to shut down, almost a reaction rather than a true feeling. I watched Oprha and in horror I saw things no human should ever have to watch, not to mention ever ever have to live through. I am so torn as I am sure millions are as the emotions of what to do. I realized that so much needs to be done and then watching it knowing this but yet where to start. Even though a short 3 day drive across the country I can honestly say I wouldn't know where to start or what to do, I am sure it would all happen naturally and my mind would over ride any thought.
So why am I still here writing this. With reasons beyond my control, for a sad mere fact that I have to work and work won't let me leave. That if I had money and wouldn't have to be stuck here I would be there, drive if I had to. The inner torment of being helpless in this situation breaks my heart because these people have nothing left. Nothing and I have to stay here and work so that I too in some stupid way won't end up without a home. AAHHHHH that makes me insane and my emotions reactions whatever you want to call them are tearing not only at my heart. soul but my human side, my being of being apart of this crazy bloody world just trying to make it. Then they raise the gas prices, stuck... can't help. Sure I can offer money. Sure I can watch but I need, want to be there. lift people out of harms way. find and help people. Feed people and play with the kids so that for one moment they forget they have nothing left but what sits besides them in some make shift home. Do something.
If only the country would stop for a week and all just go there, pitch in or drop gas price so people have an option, If the country would just stop what they are doing and go and pick up a pile of trash, help a person, lift and move the world to make things not seem so unbearable for the people there who have nothing. I honestly can't even imagine the thought of what the fuck, what do we do and where do we go and what happens tomorrow.
If this was your back yard and you saw your neigbours go through this, I am sure you would help, well this is the back yard and whether we like it or not, in one way or another we are all connected and we all need each other. These people need help.
Frustration, God help us all.
I must also say that to watch the people on TV brings about a renewal of mankind in the way that we all do care. That peoples faith have carried them through hell and back and I can only say God bless them.
I watched in horror as they put people who have loved ones in a tent to die because they had no one around. People of all ages just dead. God knows what will remain after the water have gone. No one should have to go through this with all the money and technology in this world.
What else can I say except that through this blog that no one may read that I bear my thoughts and helplesness and feel shame for not being able to do something. Feeling of weak behaviour, feelings of why don't you have savings to so that you can just go, what the hell can one do but in some sad useless way but shut down and cry.
Oh and don't let me get started about those f........ insane bastards who in that building took and raped and killed and oh you f....... assholes, mother f......, dahhh. let me at them.
Posted by kiwi baby ::
10:46 PM ::
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Sunday, August 28, 2005
It's my birthday today and even though I age not so much with grace but rather age with rage. Rage I mean not wanting to grow up, old or even become that person I thought I was to be. For fear of that child looking back at me and laughing, asking what the HELL happened to you.
My life isn't bad in any way. ( A broken heart and maybe some regret).
But I do believe I am blessed, I only wish I would have done half of what I thought I would. My inner child would laugh but then again I could always pick her up (in my mind of course) and simply say, "hey we still here aren't we". Passed 25 never I thought and I now I push the way thru to 40. ahhh a inner scream is released. So what is next? who the hell knows. If hell does then drop me a line and let me know where I am to be and at what time.
For myself and this new year upon me, I ask for a contentment that holds not only my mind still but my heart strong. Strong not to crubble like a fragile glass because God knows it sure is that. I ask for a comfort within my skin and a knowing and loving of myself. To allow all the inner hidden mysteries that are within me to come out safely and become of some good use.
For happiness for everyone I know, have met or haven't met. A wish for a sense of pride that holds my head up, not my ass.
I ask for another year. I ask for truth, knowledge, wisdom and of course courage and understanding. I ask for grace and for time to be kind, I ask for a heart that beats slow to heal with little scar and become loving and strong again so that I may give back to all those who have loved and love me so freely and with pureness.
I think that is plenty for now. I sleep and know that no matter what. It's all good.
Cheers
Posted by kiwi baby ::
1:34 AM ::
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Thursday, July 28, 2005
Here we are in Vegas Baby, What happens in Vegas stays on film...
Posted by kiwi baby ::
11:03 PM ::
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Saturday, July 16, 2005
Many know him as Grover, he is a reminder to me of a youth, a playfulness that I need to hold onto, to remind me of the days of free play without the worries. Some see me carry him and wonder I am sure, but it matters not as that is the point. As I age I have come to understand myself better and now know that to be me is to be just that, Me. With all my faults, passions and issues (need Nyquil) I am just that, all I need to be. Crazy and playful. Silly and loving. Child like and worrysome. It all matters and yet it matters not.
Posted by kiwi baby ::
11:56 PM ::
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Posted by kiwi baby ::
10:39 PM ::
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